I started smoking last night.
I guess technically you can say that I started smoking a few months ago but I'm not counting hookah. No, I'm talking about cigarettes. Real, can-totally-kill-you, addicting, tar-filled cigarettes. Smoking. You know, that thing that you shouldn't do -- yeah, I did it.
Call me a hypocrite. I already know its true. Doesn't change anything, but I accept it. Working in healthcare, berating relatives, scowling at smokers. I actually just had a conversation today with my mom about how cigarettes consume people. I'm a hypocrite. I don't care.
There's just something to smoking that makes it all worth it. I think part of it might be my slight masochistic tendencies: I dance because I love dance, but I also love the associated pain and injury. When I first picked up a guitar, I liked the way the strings bit my fingers. I like my coffee just a little too hot. I like my liquor plain and harsh. I like the way the smoke burns my lungs and the fire warms my fingers. I like the risk.
More so than just the enjoyment of smoking, I like how it looks. I think people look cool when they smoke. There's something very individualized about the way each person handles a cigarette. It fascinates me.
I like the bond that forms between smokers, cast outside to light up.
I like the looks from strangers, like I'm doing something naughty.
I like being one of those people.
I like being forced to take a break from life and step outside.
I like the way you can watch time turn to ash.
We're turning to ash too.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Turning Tables
your taunts and lies
will never fly
they just serve to fry my brain
going insane
I don’t want to play your game
it’s hard enough to forget his name
don’t shift the blame
as you rub it in my face
replacing me with him
on just one drunken whim
so now he’s the center of your world
but the plot’s yet to unfurl
cause girl, he may hold your life together
but he’s not forever
I withstand your scheme
with my triad of kings
as you stare down
at your lousy two pair
you know you can’t get anywhere
I swear
this has gone too far
just pray it doesn’t leave a scar
when we go all-in
cause I know you want to win
how the hell did this begin?
I can’t believe what you’re putting me through
but now it’s my turn to speak the truth
I just have to be honest
it’s not me
it’s you
Friday, September 2, 2011
All These Things I've Done (ARC)
To make up for ignoring you for so long, Bloggy, I thought I'd post a second time today. Recently, I acquired an advance reader's edition of a book. This fact excites me way more than it probably should. I feel so privileged to be reading something before anyone else. I feel like I should have done something to deserve it. That I'm not worthy. I'm also a huge bookworm if you couldn't tell. Haha.
But really, I love the fact that I have this book. The way it came into my life is kinda roundabout and not very interesting so I'll spare you the story. I think of this book mostly as a super cool collector's item and as a marketing tool for the author. That being said, I'd just like to share with you a little about the general story (without spoilers, I promise) and some quotes that I found particularly amazing. The book says right on the cover "This edition should not be quoted without comparison with the finished book" but screw that. I like quotes.
I guess I should tell you that the book is All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin. I've never read anything by her before but after reading this book, I have plans to hunt down everything she's ever published. So take that how you will.
Back of the Book:
"In 2083, chocolate and caffeine are illegal, water is carefully rationed, books are scarce, and New York City is rife with poverty and crime. And yet, for Anya Balanchine, the sixteen-year-old daughter of the city's most notorious (and dead) crime boss, life is fairly routine, But when she finds herself falling for the son of the new assistant district attorney, and her ex-boyfriend is poisoned by the chocolate her family manufactures, Anya is unwillingly thrust into the spotlight--in the news, and more important, within her mafiya family."
So there's this girl Anya, and she's pretty badass. She's been through a lot and is the main provider in her less-than-normal family. All These Things I've Done is more or less, the story of her life a this particular time.
Now, I've read a few reviews from other people who have gotten to read this book, and the main complaint I keep seeing is that the way Anya is portrayed is way too mature to be her actual age in the novel (16). I don't necessarily agree. I think that, under the circumstances, she behaves appropriately for a 16 year old dealing with all the family issues. So there's my take on that.
I find Anya to be written in a way akin to Kinsey Millhone (from Sue Grafton's mystery novels). Obviously, there's an age difference there, but they really share a kind of phlegmatic, though witty, personality.
The book is written in the first person (Anya narrates, of course) and often, Anya interjects into her story with interesting tidbits that expand on the futuristic world. I recall one place towards the beginning of the novel where Anya flat out tells the reader that there's foreshadowing going on. I found this hysterical, but not abrasive. It still felt very natural in the flow of the story. Anyways, Anya and her dad had had a really close relationship and Anya is always bringing up things that her father used to tell her. The brilliant thing about this is that they not only apply to the story, but to the reader as well.
Okay, so before this gets ridiculously long (it's already long) and boring, I'm going to leave you with a few bits that really caught my attention throughout the novel so. If this book sounds interesting, I strongly suggest you pick up a copy. I absolutely loved it. You can grab a copy of All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin on September 27th.
Don't read these if you don't want to be spoiled at all - They don't give away plot points, just real words from a real book.
"It was a strange thing to say, I suppose. But I knew what he meant without having to ask. All of these teeth had once been in real, live people. They had talked and smiled and eaten and sang and cursed and prayed. They had brushed and flossed and died. In English class, we read poems about death, but here, right in front of me was a poem about death too."
"Even though I was still a child I knew enough to clamp a hand over Natty's mouth so that no one could hear her sobs. And though no one was there to clamp a hand over my own mouth, I didn't cry either."
"I let myself feel good and sorry for myself, but only for a second. Daddy always said that the most useless of all human emotions was self-pity."
"This, I realized, was how parents end up lying to children. They promised certainties when all they had were pretty speculations."
"In theory, I understood wakes--they were about respect for the living as much as they were about respect for the dead... It wasn't enough to be sad inside. You had to look sad for other people."
"Business is always personal if it's your business."
And the last (oh so good) line: "May God forgive me for this and all these things I've done."
But really, I love the fact that I have this book. The way it came into my life is kinda roundabout and not very interesting so I'll spare you the story. I think of this book mostly as a super cool collector's item and as a marketing tool for the author. That being said, I'd just like to share with you a little about the general story (without spoilers, I promise) and some quotes that I found particularly amazing. The book says right on the cover "This edition should not be quoted without comparison with the finished book" but screw that. I like quotes.
I guess I should tell you that the book is All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin. I've never read anything by her before but after reading this book, I have plans to hunt down everything she's ever published. So take that how you will.
Back of the Book:
"In 2083, chocolate and caffeine are illegal, water is carefully rationed, books are scarce, and New York City is rife with poverty and crime. And yet, for Anya Balanchine, the sixteen-year-old daughter of the city's most notorious (and dead) crime boss, life is fairly routine, But when she finds herself falling for the son of the new assistant district attorney, and her ex-boyfriend is poisoned by the chocolate her family manufactures, Anya is unwillingly thrust into the spotlight--in the news, and more important, within her mafiya family."
So there's this girl Anya, and she's pretty badass. She's been through a lot and is the main provider in her less-than-normal family. All These Things I've Done is more or less, the story of her life a this particular time.
Now, I've read a few reviews from other people who have gotten to read this book, and the main complaint I keep seeing is that the way Anya is portrayed is way too mature to be her actual age in the novel (16). I don't necessarily agree. I think that, under the circumstances, she behaves appropriately for a 16 year old dealing with all the family issues. So there's my take on that.
I find Anya to be written in a way akin to Kinsey Millhone (from Sue Grafton's mystery novels). Obviously, there's an age difference there, but they really share a kind of phlegmatic, though witty, personality.
The book is written in the first person (Anya narrates, of course) and often, Anya interjects into her story with interesting tidbits that expand on the futuristic world. I recall one place towards the beginning of the novel where Anya flat out tells the reader that there's foreshadowing going on. I found this hysterical, but not abrasive. It still felt very natural in the flow of the story. Anyways, Anya and her dad had had a really close relationship and Anya is always bringing up things that her father used to tell her. The brilliant thing about this is that they not only apply to the story, but to the reader as well.
Okay, so before this gets ridiculously long (it's already long) and boring, I'm going to leave you with a few bits that really caught my attention throughout the novel so. If this book sounds interesting, I strongly suggest you pick up a copy. I absolutely loved it. You can grab a copy of All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin on September 27th.
Don't read these if you don't want to be spoiled at all - They don't give away plot points, just real words from a real book.
"It was a strange thing to say, I suppose. But I knew what he meant without having to ask. All of these teeth had once been in real, live people. They had talked and smiled and eaten and sang and cursed and prayed. They had brushed and flossed and died. In English class, we read poems about death, but here, right in front of me was a poem about death too."
"Even though I was still a child I knew enough to clamp a hand over Natty's mouth so that no one could hear her sobs. And though no one was there to clamp a hand over my own mouth, I didn't cry either."
"I let myself feel good and sorry for myself, but only for a second. Daddy always said that the most useless of all human emotions was self-pity."
"This, I realized, was how parents end up lying to children. They promised certainties when all they had were pretty speculations."
"In theory, I understood wakes--they were about respect for the living as much as they were about respect for the dead... It wasn't enough to be sad inside. You had to look sad for other people."
"Business is always personal if it's your business."
And the last (oh so good) line: "May God forgive me for this and all these things I've done."
I'm Back! (with Conundrums)
Hi Bloggy!
Miss me? I missed you. I blame my prolonged absence on the summer conundrum. Maybe it's not a conundrum, heck, I don't even know if I can define conundrum, but it always happens to me:
Summer comes and then I stop. I just stop. Everything. Life loses its meaning. I fall distant from my friends, I stop reading, I stop writing, I stop caring. I just stop.
And, you know, it's not like I try to do this. I don't just say "Hey, I want to drop everything and become a lazy bum and not have any meaning in my life" because I don't. I want these things. I miss them when I don't have them. It just always happens. Always. I go into summer saying "Not this one. This is is going to be different."
It never is.
I guess I accept this now. It won't ever change. I'll never have different. But you know, it's kinda okay with me. It makes me appreciate what I have. How truly precious all the art is in my life. How I have friends that appreciate it too. Without the loss, I'd never get the gain.
I'm back.
Do you ever feel like you're living in a circle instead of a line?
Miss me? I missed you. I blame my prolonged absence on the summer conundrum. Maybe it's not a conundrum, heck, I don't even know if I can define conundrum, but it always happens to me:
Summer comes and then I stop. I just stop. Everything. Life loses its meaning. I fall distant from my friends, I stop reading, I stop writing, I stop caring. I just stop.
And, you know, it's not like I try to do this. I don't just say "Hey, I want to drop everything and become a lazy bum and not have any meaning in my life" because I don't. I want these things. I miss them when I don't have them. It just always happens. Always. I go into summer saying "Not this one. This is is going to be different."
It never is.
I guess I accept this now. It won't ever change. I'll never have different. But you know, it's kinda okay with me. It makes me appreciate what I have. How truly precious all the art is in my life. How I have friends that appreciate it too. Without the loss, I'd never get the gain.
I'm back.
Do you ever feel like you're living in a circle instead of a line?
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